Then we walked around the Old Market for a while. They were having their Farmer’s Market and the place was hoppin’. There was some boy playing Star Wars songs on his violin, a guy wailin’ on his sax, and a brave young girl just standing there and singing all by herself. (She was too close to the sax guy, so it was hard to hear her.)

After walking around, Lloyd decided he was hungry and bought us some breakfast burritos from a ‘stand’ that was really just a screened-in porch. I felt a little like we should have also got some free malaria vaccinations.

After eating, we managed to run into the only two people we know in Omaha – Mark and Beth from the uke group. They had very nice cameras and were out and about taking pictures. I had to shamefully discuss how we haven’t gone to uke group in years, but maybe life will settle down soon.

Next we went to one of the many antique stores. There is a rambling one that has a new feature: They set up a room with old wooden theater seats and they run movies all day – for free! Granted, it was Star Wars Episode 1, “A Slow, Painful Death”, as Lloyd subtitles it – but it was free! (We only watched a little.)

Next stop: Lloyd’s bookstore. I got a picture of him in his natural, yet dying, element.

That was about it for the day. Lloyd slept in the car while I walked around the snooty mall (where they had a shrine to Steve Jobs in front of the Apple store) then it was home to be nappin’ by 3:30!

A perfect day.

One of the bedrooms in the parsonage had two closets, so it was an obvious choise to make a bed that would divide the room into two areas. It was magnificent! In my memory it was as big as a castle, but in reality it was just the size of a bunk bed. It had enclosed ends, and then each bunk was enclosed to make Lauren’s Loft and Keren’s Cave. At the bottom I had two drawers and one open cubby, some mirror tiles to make my side of the half-room look bigger, and I forget what the other side had.

I loved my loft. I had an envelope taped to the top brace where I kept some Secret Money. I also had an umbrella that I’d use to reach out and turn off the light.

The only scary memory was the first time the cat realized she could climb the ladder to find me. Nothing scars you for life like the scrabble scrabble of claws ascending.

Thanks for the awesome bed, Dad!

Lauren views dishwashers as a way to get dishes clean. She has absolutely no sense of the truth and beauty that comes from a properly loaded dishwasher.

The dishwasher that came with our house must have been about 15 years old, and either dishes had changed in that time, or our dish use never coincided with the Average American Dishware that the people who design dishwashers used when designing dishwashers.

At any rate, loading the dishwasher properly was a passion of mine that Lauren just couldn’t get on board with. Not that I ever failed to blame her for that. Anyway, to make a long story pretty much the same length, I was dissatisfied with our dishwasher because of my inability to (a) solve the loading equation and (b) convince Lauren that my solution to the loading equation was better than her solution.  And Lauren was dissatisfied with our dishwasher because it would occasionally smell funny and need to have some bleach run through it.

Before we went to Lincoln I looked through a leading consumer magazine for likely brands and models. When I had it down to a few, I went to Sears.com (where America and I shop) and printed off the comparison of those models. Looking through roughly 6 pages of data, I came up with the following qualifications for our new dishwasher:

• Adjustable racks so as to fit largish pots and pans
• A fairly quick wash cycle
• Lots of different cycles for all of our dish washing needs
• Built in heating element so we didn’t have to set the water heater higher
• Food disposal, so I didn’t have to forget to empty the filter
• Power scrubbers, because who wouldn’t want those
• A quiet wash cycle, because our downstairs is basically one big room

This was Lauren’s list of qualifications for our new dishwasher:

• Does not smell funny

Our plan was to go to Home Depot, Schaeffer’s, Best Buy and Sears. We’d go in that order because (a) that’s the order that they come in and (b) We’ve purchased all of our major appliances for Sears since Circuit City (a) became a desolate crap hole of terrible customer service and (b) went out of business. [I do hereby solemnly swear that I will not use "(a) ... (b) ..." for the next week and a half.]

Well, that was the plan. But once we got to Schaeffer’s our salesman was so knowledgeable and helpful and not at all pushy or rushed that we just bought it from him. We got the Whirlpool GU3200XTX, but we didn’t have the truck with us, so we made arrangements to drop the old dishwasher off and pick up the new one next week.

Surprisingly enough it doesn’t have:

• Adjustable racks so as to fit largish pots and pans, because Lauren said that we wouldn’t ever take the time to adjust the racks anyway.
• A fairly quick wash cycle, because Lauren said that we have never sat around and waited for the dishwasher to get done.
• Lots of different cycles for all of our dish washing needs, because Lauren said that we only use two cycles on our dishwasher anyway: rinse and normal wash.
• Power scrubbers, because Lauren said that we’d do what we currently do when dishes don’t get clean –leave them in the dish washer.
• A quiet wash cycle, because Lauren said that our current dishwasher was just about as loud as you could get, and everything these days was quieter (and also took about an hour longer to wash than our old dishwasher).

 
Not surprisingly, it does not smell funny.

We drove all the way around and didn’t find out anything. Lots of houses had their back yard to the hill, but we couldn’t see any reason for the grassy knoll. We stopped a promising spot and walked up to the top. The trip up just kept getting stranger…

We followed that driveway out to the road, and this residential looking house is on the street. But there are no rooms in the house. Just large machines.

He did mention that they were much worse at Aunt Ruth and Uncle David’s (or is it “Aunt Ruth’s and Uncle David’s”) house. Boy howdy was it.

We had a nice visit with Aunt Ruth and Uncle David after we went back inside where we could hear them.

It’s interesting comparing the numbers on that screen above to my final prescription. Apparently the machines they run you through during the pre-doctor rigmarole do a quick diagnosis, and it’s fairly actuate. My left eye is -4.00 both times and my right is -3.00 pre-test; -3.25 post-cute-doctor.

I was by myself for the appointment, so I didn’t look at glasses afterward. Listen up, Lenscrafters, ’cause Lloyd’s got an idea: You need to install some iPads in your store. Prospective buyers can stand on one side and have their picture taken with various new frames, then stand on the other side and review those photos while wearing their own glasses so they can see what they look like. That’s a money maker right there, and he’ll settle for 40%.

My friend Kate told me about their blood testing – it’s pretty cheap at $35 and they test for a wide array of things. The testing was from 5:30 am until 1:30 pm Since I have to be at work at 6:45, I went right at 5:30 and thought I’d be the first in line.

HA!

There were TONS of people there! The lines were fairly long but the blood drawing was super-efficient. I’d say they had 16-20 vampires phlebotomists working at one time. They set up at tables – two ‘customers’ to each end.

You’re supposed to fast for 8 hours beforehand and also drink plenty of water. I tried hard to remember to skip the breakfast part of my getting-ready routine, but I forgot to drink any water. I remembered as soon as the needle went in because I was so thirsty. I worried that the nurse would be pulling sludge from my dehydrated veins, but it all went well.

After it was done I stopped at the bakery to get some donuts and headed back home.

Mmmmm…..donuts…… Thumbs up for health!

The last time we were shopping he took this picture:

I believe the quote was, “Yeah, that’s how much a 2-liter bottle of Pepsi used to cost… in prison.”

Not this year. This year we got a different time slot and I totally forgot until we only had two days left to make something.

Panic!

I scavenged some paintings the children had done, and then we went into full-on elf mode. Crank out the art, children! (Well, actually a craft.)

We made some 3-D coffee filter flowers (not my invention). They have maximum impact for minimum effort. You staple 7-8 coffee filters together then paint them. We used liquid watercolors – a marvel of modern paint technology. (In a preschool room, regular in-the-pan watercolors exist for exactly one minute as separate colors, then they are all muddy.)

After they dry you crinkle and crimp (crimple?) the filters, starting with the top one and working your way down.

Keep going…..

Whew.

Staple to the top of a construction paper stem, add some leaves, and we. are. golden.

Magic moving picture ahead:

So Friday afternoon I came home to a clean house (thank you, Lloyd) and said, “So – what are we going to do!” Hope hung in the air, then walked out the door as we hemmed and hawed, realizing that nobody had actually come up with a plan. I went to go pack a bag in case inspiration struck, and Lloyd got ready to go. About then he realized that his phone wasn’t working.

I sat on my stool and watched ‘The Office’ on my computer as he did some magic to his phone. It still wasn’t working and needed to sync, which apparently is code for ‘be plugged in a long time and do nothing’.

I pulled up the comfy chair and watched ‘Community’ on my computer. Halfway through I paused it and said, “Y’know, we could save some money and I could just take a nap.” That seemed like the most perfect answer.

How do you spell bliss? Three. Hour. Nap. Happy weekend everyone!

Well, Dollar Tree has fixed all of that. Dollar Tree is awesome because it’s one of those dollar stores where things actually cost one dollar.

“Ooo – I like that! It’s a dollar!”

“Hmmm…. this is mildly interesting. It’s a dollar!”

“Bleh, that’s a piece of junky plastic that is going straight into the ocean. It is also a dollar.”

They have rolls of wrapping paper for a buck each, and if you are like me and prefer the kraft-paper style, it’s the very best deal. They have fancy styles that are only 15 or 20 square feet per roll, but mine tops out at 25 square feet! And at the rate I use it up, it’ll last until retirement!

When last we met, things looked bleak for our heroes. John Harlan (johnslcdrepair, johnhis11_computers, xhd3000repairman4356, computerguru43560 and lcdrepairman8733, xhd3000repairman, lcdrepairworld and lcdrepairwarehouse on eBay) had anticipated their every move, and was now in possession of  The Monitor and The $353.24.

We were in possession of a gallon of water and an email from PayPal (oh, and we also seemed to owe eBay $27.45 for helping us sell the monitor and PayPal $11.88 for handling the money.):

As previously communicated to you, we received information provided by both parties and resolved the claim in the buyer’s favor. You have the right to appeal; however, an appeal will only be reviewed in the following scenarios:

1. You received the item back in a condition different than what the buyer stated they received in their initial claim (beyond normal wear from shipping)
2. No item was returned (empty box)
3. Not all items the buyer received were returned
4. The buyer returned the wrong item to you

If any of the above scenarios apply to you, please complete the following steps:

Contact your local police department and obtain a police/incident report. The police/incident report should detail how one of the above scenarios apply to you. This report should be on the law enforcement agency’s letterhead or stamped police documentation and clearly explain the details of your issue. This documentation must include the department/officer’s contact information, the reporting officer’s name, badge number and signature.

Okay, so we just have to decide which number to go with. I think you could make a strong case for 1, 2, 3 or 4. The big question is, “How do you prove it?” It would certainly have been easier if we had opened it in front of the FedEx guy. And it would have been pretty air-tight if we had videotaped the opening of the box. But we didn’t.

We did have a witness, and Lauren has had several of our Seward policemen’s children in preschool. It probably wouldn’t hurt that the Child Development Center is about 15 feet from the police station either. But even with material witnesses and Lauren’s impeccable character, would this turn out to be our word against John Harlan’s?

Well, it turns out that John made a mistake. In his haste to get our money from PayPal, he hadn’t put enough weight in his box –and we could prove it.

Exhibit A: Weight of our packages:

Exhibit B: Weight of John’s package:

Exhibit C: Weight of Monitor (from User’s Guide)

Lauren wrote up the whole thing with in exacting detail including twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy photographs with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one explaining what each one was to be used as evidence against him. She took pictures of the approach, the getaway, the northwest corner the southwest corner and that’s not to mention the aerial photography. It was an impressive document.

Lloyd brought it to the police station on MLK’s birthday, as he had the day off from school. He explained the situation to the officer briefly and she looked at the packet. She looked at the 30lbs then at the 41lbs then back at the 30lbs then back and the 41lbs and said, “I can’t help you, it’s out of our jurisdiction.”

But Lloyd was ready for this turn of events and replied, “I know you can’t do anything to him. I just need a police report so that PayPal will give me my money back.” To which she replied, “That won’t be a problem.”

She had the police report to Lauren later that day and we faxed the impressive document to PayPal along with the police report.

Then we waited.

Four days later we received this email:

Dear Lloyd Sommerer,

PayPal has concluded the appeal of the following buyer complaint.

Transaction Details
——————————
Buyer’s name: Johns LCD Repair Shop
Buyer’s email: Jrhcomputerparts@aol.com
Transaction ID: 4AP629312C770533A
Transaction date: Dec 13, 2010
Transaction amount: $353.24 USD
Your transaction ID: 2RN668340Y2220703
Case number: PP-002-162-263-961
——————————

PayPal has issued you a refund in the amount of $353.24 for this claim.
The refund will be posted to your account within 3-5 business days.

Thank you for your patience and cooperation in this matter.

Sincerely,
Kamila
Protection Services Department
PayPal, an eBay Company

So, in a way, it’s over.  But the principal of the whole situation irks Lauren. Let’s cut back to her and get it in her own words:

I don’t like that a dishonest person tried a scam and almost got away with it. I still want him to get in some kind of trouble for this, not just have had to pay the money he should have paid in the first place. I’ve thought about taking out ads in his hometown newspaper that tell the story, or just a link to these posts. I want his mother or grandmother to know he did this – that should really be all the punishment he needs.

But then, I remember that I should perhaps take the high road on this, and that maybe anyone buying something from John (or Jonathan) Harlan from Sylvania, Ohio – owner of johnslcdrepair – might search for his name and information and just read about our experience with him and that will be enough.

Then maybe they will wish uncontrollable diarrhea on him.

UPDATE: For you, Disappointed. A little proof about the negative feedback that disappeared.

UPDATE 2: Some other reading, if you’re interested: e-mail exchange and a little advice.

UPDATE 3: Read John Harlan’s summons to appear in small claims court (fun game: find the typos!) and read how he didn’t show up for the trial (booooooo).

Okay, are you ready for this?

So, lots of time went by and I had kind of forgotten about the whole monitor situation. Then one evening we came home and there was a sticker on the door from FedEx saying that they had a package to deliver that required a signature. I asked Lloyd what it was and he said it was the monitor.

Hooray!

The problem was that we weren’t getting home until after 6, so no one could sign for it. We left a note for the FedEx guy asking if he could deliver it to my work.

The next day – he did!

Hooray!

He brought it to the CDC at noon; I signed for it; he put the big box in the entryway and I went back to the classroom. At naptime I went to go open it up. As I carried it into the kitchen I thought it was a little light, but thought that maybe John Harlan and Lloyd had worked something out and he was only returning some of the parts.

I opened it up and saw this:

It was one of those ‘time stood still’ kind of things because my director was right there and I had been explaining the whole ‘broken-monitor-sold-then-claimed-to-be-cracked-then-returned’ thing and as I’m digging through layers of packing materials – mostly packing materials that we had used to wrap the monitor – I’m realizing that there are NO monitor parts in here.

What?

Then I found this at the bottom of the box:

Yes, people. That is a jug full of water that John Harlan put in the box to give it some weight.

I will pause for a moment to honor first, your sympathetic shock, then, your sympathetic seething.

*

*

*

Yes, John Harlan (johnslcdrepair, johnhis11_computers, xhd3000repairman43560 and computerguru43560 on eBay) mailed back a box full of packing material and water and I signed for it!! I was aghast, and then I was livid. I held up the jug to show my director and I believe I called John Harlan some bad, bad names.

I couldn’t believe it! People really do this?!? I walked around quietly venting to everyone about the situation (quietly, because it was naptime) and then called Lloyd. When I told him about the water, he said, “Did you open the box in front of the FedEx guy?” Well, of course, I didn’t! How was I supposed to know that treachery was afoot? Up until now I had been leading a blissful, non-villain-tainted life! Of course, as soon I signed for the package, PayPal knew that John had “returned the monitor”, so they closed the claim and he got his money back.

I kept venting and Lloyd said, “Don’t worry, I’ll take care of it.”

It wasn’t about the loss of money for me at all, it was about JUSTICE and – ok – REVENGE. I wanted to fly to Ohio and ring this guy’s neck doorbell and say, “Hello? Did your mother raise you to be a jerk? If so, she did a bang-up job.” I thought about many awful things to do to get even, but here’s the thing – I’m not a bad person like John Harlan of Sylvania, Ohio, so I only think them, I will not actually do them.

Instead, I’ll… tell you the end of the story tomorrow.

Oh, and new windows. those are swell too.

Basically, I have about 17 short-sleeved shirts, 11 long(er) sleeved shirts, 6 sweaters, 3 pairs of jeans and 7 pairs of school pants. (Also a handful of no-sew split-shirt jacket things which I still think are stylish but I realize that they’re not.) Having a chart shows me what hasn’t been worn in a while, so I look for a shirt with few wearings and put that on in the morning. It also helped me weed out a couple of shirts that I never wore at all.

I realize that I need to replace a couple of pairs of pants since they have shrunk and are too short, and I really should buy a dedicated ‘nice’ shirt to wear to church.

What’s your favorite outfit? Mine is my second-best pair of jeans and my green shirt that I spilled cooking oil all over and can never wear again. R.I.P., green shirt. You never made the list.

Our immediate thought was, “Oh man, that Indian is in trouble.”

(Lauren here: This was a very timely back up post. If you want to just jump straight to the red-shirt video, click here.)

Upon opening, it was a darling package of scratch paper. I adore homemade paper – my sister used to make it, y’know.

Beautiful! Say, they’re recycled! Wow! But…. what’s that…..?

Poo?!?! Poo?!?! (Flip.)

HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!! It’s paper made from elephant poo!!! I burst out laughing. Seriously, after my day, it was hilarious to have something lovely come out of poo.

It says, and I quote,

“With all the concern these days about deforestation and the need to recycle, our products are a fantastic example of sustainability and responsible consumption. We take a material in abundance, ELEPHANT POO, and make functional and completely useful products all the while sparing lots of trees in the process.

That’s right. Here’s the scoop! ELEPHANTS eat lots of grass everyday and they poo almost as much! Since their digestive systems don’t really break down the grass all that well, their poo has plenty of fiber! Seeing as though grass is fiber and fiber is the base material used in making pulp for paper, well, we figured we could probably use it to make our ELEPHANT POOPOOPAPER!

“Two Bums Up!” ”

Peggy, you are more awesome than Brad on his half-birthday!

Today I had a goal to get to Lincoln and get a different haircut. Lloyd and Brad went along for moral support, but first we spent a little time doing some internet searching. Brad searched for ‘hairstyles for women of a certain age’. Grrrrr….. He came up with Martha Stewart’s ‘do.

I made a page of internet photos to show what I liked and didn’t care for. (Note to self: That was a good idea.) I only had the vague idea that I wanted it shorter than my shoulders, and I’d like to try the layer-y thing.

Jaime did a fine job. She was very thorough, and it took a long, long time. I was done talking a third of the way in, but kept being polite and social so she wouldn’t get mad and give me a mohawk for my impolitenesss.

It’s alright, but will take some getting used to. As always, though, it matters very little to me, because I almost never see my head.

Lloyd fixed it with his hereditary plumbing skills (thanks, Lloyd), and while he was behind the fridge, he found a small yellow Ant Attractant.

Ants do not care for candy coating.