The first one is my very favorite. I tell it to my 7th grade math class each year. Every year I prep them by explaining that some of them will get it right away, some of them will get it in 13 seconds, some in 2 minutes and one in two days. I make them swear a solemn oath not to explain the joke after they get it. Every year someone comes in two days later and tells me they just got it.

1. A skeleton walks into a bar and says, “Give me a beer and a mop.”
2. A horse walked into a bar and the bartender said, “Why the long face?”
3. Two men walk into a bar, but the third one ducks.
4. A termite walked into a bar and said, “Is the bartender here?”
5. A pony walks into a bar and says, “Bartender, may I have a drink?”
   The bartender says, “What was that, I couldn’t hear you.”
   So the pony says, “I’m sorry, I’m just a little hoarse.”
6. This duck walks into a bar and the bartender looks at him and says, “Hey, buddy, your pants are down.”
7. A rabbi, a priest, and a bishop walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this, some kind of joke?”
8. A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Hey buddy, you’ve got a steering wheel down your pants.”
   The guy replies “Yeah I know. Its driving me nuts!”
9. A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a large Gin and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Tonic.”
   The bartender replies, “Sure, but what’s with the big pause?”
10. A <noun> walks into a bar and orders a beer.
    “Here you are, that’ll be $7.50. You know, we don’t get many <noun>s in here.” replies the bartender.
    <noun>, “At these prices I can see why.”
11. Two jumper cables walk into a bar. Bartender says, “You guys better not start anything in here.”
12. A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Hey, I
    haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.”

    “What do you mean?” says the pirate. “I feel fine.”

    Bartender: “What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”

    Pirate: “Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I’m fine now.”

    Bartender: “Well, okay, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?”

    Pirate: “We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a
    sword fight. Me hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I’m fine, really”

    Bartender: “What about that eye patch?”

    Pirate: “Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I
    looked up and one of them crapped in me eye.”

    “You’re kidding,” says the bartender. “You lost an eye just from birdcrap?:”
    Pirate: “It was me first day with the hook.”

Greetings, fellow hosed person. If you have found this post, it is because you, too, tried to put your tiny memory stick in your laptop without the adaptor, and now realize that it is stuck for good. Tweezers are too big to fit in that little slot, and it looks pretty hopeless. Let me share my experience with you.

Get some good, sticky tape. I didn’t have duct tape, and thought masking tape might not be sticky enough. We had a roll of electrical tape, though, and that worked just fine.

Cut off a piece a few inches long. Carefully slide it – sticky side toward the memory stick – into the slot. Use a knife to smooth it onto the memory stick, then remove the knife and pull on the tape. I had to do it twice since the first piece of tape was barely sticking to it. Worked like a charm.

So go & get all MacGuyver on it, you! Good luck! If you found this post useful, please mail me one million dollars. Thanks.

UPDATE: Despite my mannish-looking hands, this is actually Lauren writing, not Lloyd. The ‘dude’ and ‘bro’ comments are starting to give me a complex.

Listed below are the movies we came up with after consulting a variety of experts including: current middle school students, former middle school students, middle school teachers from across the country, lots of family movie websites, and random people on twitter and facebook.

Do Your Homework

Don’t Take My Word For It. Always preview any movie before you show it. Just because a movie appears on this (or any other) list doesn’t mean that it works in your situation. For instance, I included Stand by Me in this list and it is rated R. If I were actually going to show it, I would look for an edited for television version. If a movie is rated PG or PG-13, offer some guidance to the students before you watch it. Explain to them what good things they can take away from the movie even though there might be some language that isn’t appropriate at school.

Incorporate it into the curriculum. We’ve shown The Karate Kid when we’re talking about bullying as a school. One teacher shows Newsies in social studies classes when she’s talking about immigration and industrialization. I’ve shown Searching for Bobby Fischer before I teach students how to play chess.

Stay Legal

You may be required to obtain a Public Performance License to show your movie. Movie License USA offers these guidelines for schools to use when determining if they need to purchase a license. Generally, you do not need a license if:

• A teacher or instructor is present
• The showing takes place in a classroom setting with only the enrolled students attending
• The movie is used as an essential part of the core, current curriculum being taught. (The instructor should be able to show how the use of the motion picture contributes to the overall required course study and syllabus.)
• The movie being used is a legitimate copy, not taped from a legitimate copy or taped from TV

Movie License USA also serves a clearing house for many movie studios, so it is a good spot to look to obtain a license if you need one. They offer single license for $75.00 which is good for one showing of a single movie on a specific date.They also offer site licenses that are good for all of the studios that they represent for one year (as many showings as you’d like). Site license prices are based on the number of students in your school.

About the List

The list is sortable. Click on the heading to sort it by run time, rating and so forth. The title link goes to the Internet Movie Database listing for the movie and the rating link goes to the IMDb Parents Guide for the movie. Additions to the list are welcome. There aren’t actually 50 movies listed yet, so feel free to suggest some in the comments below. If you think a movie on the list is especially good or bad choice to show at school, lets hear that as well.

The List

What do you think?

• Suggest another movie? (what did we miss)
• Any poor choices on the list? (you can’t show that in school)
• What are your top 3? (two thumbs up)

]]> http://laurenandlloyd.com/2008/10/16/50-best-movies-for-middle-school/feed/ 0 http://laurenandlloyd.com/2008/09/21/waffle-not-awful-toast/ http://laurenandlloyd.com/2008/09/21/waffle-not-awful-toast/#comments Mon, 22 Sep 2008 05:00:13 +0000 Lauren http://lloydandlauren.com/?p=2183 We had a very nice visit with Lloyd’s folks this weekend. I always freak about about what to cook for people, but we were only home for breakfasts, and that’s a meal I can safely make. We had bacon and eggs yesterday, and an experiment today!

I can’t take credit for this, since I saw it on Slashfood a while ago, but we had french toast made in a waffle iron. The Texax toast pieces fit in my cheap-o Belgian waffle maker perfectly!

I liked them a lot. I was so pleased with the result, we made garlic toast for dinner the same way! Slap some butter on both sides of bread, sprinkle on a little garlic salt, then leave them in there a couple of minutes to get really crispy. The best part is how they break off into little strips, then squares, perfect for filling with sauce. I shouldn’t have even made noodles.

]]> http://laurenandlloyd.com/2008/09/21/waffle-not-awful-toast/feed/ 9 http://laurenandlloyd.com/2008/06/09/cut-to-the-chase/ http://laurenandlloyd.com/2008/06/09/cut-to-the-chase/#comments Tue, 10 Jun 2008 05:13:50 +0000 Lauren http://lloydandlauren.com/?p=1863 Ok, the frozen cheesecake in a tiny jar was fun to make, but I’m thinking that I don’t always have the time for those, plus I now have a severe frozen cheesecake addiction. (When we were first married we’d stop off at the Sara Lee store at an outlet mall and I’d eat most of a frozen strawberry cheesecake with Lloyd’s pocketknife. Don’t judge me.)

This came to me right as I was dropping off into a sugar-coma nap, but I’m probably not the first person to come up with this. (But maybe I’m the first one to freeze them! Freezing is key!) I’m sure you could use the ready-made cheesecake filling in a tub, but that stuff frightens me. I mixed half a block of cream cheese, about 2 tablespoons of sugar and somewhere between 1 and 2 teaspoons of lemon juice. Then whip 1/3 whipping cream with a tablespoon or two of sugar & fold into the the cream cheese mixture. Spread on half a graham cracker. Spread jam or preserves (but not jelly – - jelly would be gross) on the other half. Sandwich-ize them! Now, if you don’t want the giant mess I had my first try wrapping these, let them set up in the freezer for a half-hour or so.

Tear off 8 inches of wax paper.

Fold.

Flip.

Fold in the sides.

Flip, yet again.

Now, FREEZE, scumbag!

Sweet! A frozen cheesecake sandwich anytime I want! (Um, when’s that high school reunion? I think I have a problem.)

]]> http://laurenandlloyd.com/2008/06/09/cut-to-the-chase/feed/ 35 http://laurenandlloyd.com/2008/05/21/tiny-frozen-things/ http://laurenandlloyd.com/2008/05/21/tiny-frozen-things/#comments Thu, 22 May 2008 05:01:01 +0000 Lauren http://lloydandlauren.com/?p=1792 So I’ll admit, I’ve become a little jar-obsessed. The apple pies in little jars were fun, but let’s face it – I’m not gifted at making pies. Plus it’s getting hot outside and pretty soon it’ll even be too hot to bake bread.

Frozen. Frozen is where it’s at.

I found a recipe for Mudslide Pie, and with a little adaption and some bad math, these were sent to the freezer last month:

Cute, but too rich. They have a sour cream/melted chocolate layer on top of the crust, and next time I think I’d skip that part and just put the chocolate whipped cream in and call it good.

These were the latest creation: strawberry ‘cheesecakes’. No recipe, I just mashed half a block of cream cheese with some sugar and lemon juice until it tasted right and added some sweetened whipped cream. The topping is diced strawberries, sugar, and some of Lloyd’s mom strawberry jam.

The best part? No baking! Just eat straight from the freezer! The next best part? These jars are even smaller than the pie jars! Four ounces instead of eight. When I want something dessert-y I just want a little bit, so this works out pretty well. The worst part? My twenty year high school reunion is coming up and my eating habits are slowly declining. Maybe I should take up jogging.

Heaven help me if I find a two-ounce jar.

UPDATE: Dang it, Applebee’s! Quit stealing my ideas! (This just came in the mail – these are tiny desserts called ‘shooters’.)

SECOND UPDATE: A faster way to make frozen cheesecake, sandwich-style – HERE.

]]> http://laurenandlloyd.com/2008/05/21/tiny-frozen-things/feed/ 25 http://laurenandlloyd.com/2008/04/15/fantasy-baseball-files/ http://laurenandlloyd.com/2008/04/15/fantasy-baseball-files/#comments Tue, 15 Apr 2008 17:43:36 +0000 Lloyd http://lloydandlauren.com/?p=2992 This collection of fantasy baseball files was created by readers of the Fantasy Baseball Cafe Forums. It includes documents for preparing for a draft/auction and documents for running one.

If you have a document that has worked well for you and you want to offer it to others, please email it to me, and I’ll add it to the list. Please include a brief description like the ones below and whether I can add your email address. If you’ve significantly modified a file that is already here, I’d like to include that as well.

]]> http://laurenandlloyd.com/2008/04/15/fantasy-baseball-files/feed/ 0 http://laurenandlloyd.com/2008/03/02/simple-simon/ http://laurenandlloyd.com/2008/03/02/simple-simon/#comments Mon, 03 Mar 2008 05:40:50 +0000 Lauren http://lloydandlauren.com/?p=1519 The idea of ‘how clean is your house’ has been making the rounds on the sites, and Deanne commented that her house is her playpen – clean but not neat. Beth’s is her castle – tidy, but not overly clean. My house is my lab – always in a state of disarray. It’s not that I don’t clean, it’s that a clean room invites some sort of project to take place.

Case in point. Beth, Tara and Tim stopped by for a bit this afternoon and the house was in semi-disaster mode. After they left, I spent some dedicated time doing house work. All the snowmen stuff came down, I dusted a bit, put away stuff in the living room and dining room, and tackled the kitchen counters. You may have remembered from the colander post that I had some apples sitting on the counter. I stupidly bought a bag that had bruises on every single apple. They sat on the counter for over a week because I couldn’t bear just throwing them away. So….. after the kitchen was clean and shiny…..

(Don’t fret – I cut off the yucky parts.)

So, lids on and in the freezer. WAY more work than I thought it would be, and the kitchen is a disaster again. But, I made six tiny little pies and stashed them in the freezer. Today after church, I baked up:

I love you, tiny pie in a jar! I’m a crust lover, so this has the perfect crust-to-filling ratio for me. With a bit more tinkering and some other fruit fillings, we may be able to eat a different kind of pie each day! It will be good to cook something else in that oven when I’m baking bread.

UPDATE: For Deanne (I wish I had a giant quarter, because that would be so funny!):

On the off chance that anyone is reading this anymore, let me answer a few questions that came up in the comments.

I can’t remember the recipe for this dough – it had shortening, water, flour, salt and I subbed out some vinegar and vodka for the water. It was drier than a butter dough. (I’ve made that since and didn’t like it as well.)

I tried several ways of rolling out dough and trying to piece it in, but it actually worked best to just put chunks of dough in the jar and smash it around inside.

A drier filling won’t boil over as much as a juicy one.

Once it’s assembled, just screw the lid on the jar and put it in the freezer. I think it should keep well for at least a month. (I’m totally making that up, but hey – they sell frozen pies at the grocery store and they aren’t flying off the shelves.)

I bake these at about 375 – 400. Take the jar out of the freezer when you turn the oven on to preheat it. Take off the lid and put the frozen jar on a plate or baking vessel so you’ll have less thermal shock when it goes in the oven. (Read: Your jar shouldn’t crack. I’ve never had one crack.) Put a ring of foil around the edge of the pie for the first 45 minutes, take it off for 15.

Let it cool and either eat it out of the jar or run a knife around the edge to get it out. I said it’s a good crust-to-filling ratio, but it’s really a lot of crust. Cute, though!

A 2-crust recipe should work for about 6 jars.

Let me finish by saying that it’s really funny that so many people read this post. I am constantly bemoaning how I can’t make a good pie crust. If I had a show on Food Network it would be called, “Can’t Make Crust” and I’d visit sweet little grandmas around the country and make them teach me their skilz.

These are wide-mouthed 8-ounce jars (think small-cereal-bowl-sized), not tall skinny jars. I apparently caused a bit of confusion. Sorry, everyone!

SUMMER UPDATE: The obsession continues with “eat-’em-frozen” jarred desserts.

]]> http://laurenandlloyd.com/2008/03/02/simple-simon/feed/ 101 http://laurenandlloyd.com/2008/02/04/bacon-mat-gallery/ http://laurenandlloyd.com/2008/02/04/bacon-mat-gallery/#comments Mon, 04 Feb 2008 16:57:57 +0000 Lloyd http://lloydandlauren.com/?p=3229 Welcome, everyone, to the world’s first and best Bacon Mat gallery. We first learned of the magnificent idea of weaving meat from instructables.com. Whoever came up with this deserves a knighthood. Send us your photo and we’ll add it!

]]> http://laurenandlloyd.com/2008/02/04/bacon-mat-gallery/feed/ 0 http://laurenandlloyd.com/2008/01/08/myminicity-wordpress-plugin/ http://laurenandlloyd.com/2008/01/08/myminicity-wordpress-plugin/#comments Tue, 08 Jan 2008 17:33:08 +0000 Lloyd http://lloydandlauren.com/?p=2983 This WordPress plugin displays statistics for your www.myminicity.com town. It also provides links to the various URLs associated with your MiniCity as they are needed. I spent a while looking for a plugin that would do this, and finally decided that this would be a good chance for me to learn how to write WordPress plugins. So this is my first plugin, and it could probably use some work. But it wouldn’t be working at all if not for the Ronald Huereca’s How to Write a WordPress Plugin article.

]]> http://laurenandlloyd.com/2008/01/08/myminicity-wordpress-plugin/feed/ 0 http://laurenandlloyd.com/2007/11/24/homemade-slanket/ http://laurenandlloyd.com/2007/11/24/homemade-slanket/#comments Sat, 24 Nov 2007 09:39:53 +0000 Lauren http://lloydandlauren.com/?p=1177 A while back I came across the wesite of the Slanket, an ingenious combination of a blanket with sleeves – perfect for keeping warm while lounging about, yet still keeping your arms free for reading or changing channels. I loved the idea so very, very much, but was unwilling to shell out the money for one. So, I decided to try to make my own out of cheap Wal-Mart throws. Turns out, I would really recommend buying one from the website, since the one I made looks like a blind person did it. The seams are all crooked and inside-out, and there are a bunch of tiny threads all over the material from when I had to rip a whole seam out, and the the little throws I bought to make them didn’t have enough fabric for the project. Ah, as the old saying goes, “God is in the details…. and Lauren’s making crap again.”

It is warm, though!

UPDATE: “Instructions!”

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